1.sleeping for an entire night after a week of allnighters. Priceless.

And handing in all the Uni work, we had 5 major deadlines scheduled including a critique, and I’m happy I survived this week. It literaly sucked life out of me. 

2. Snacking on prosciutto

3. nothing else.

1. Fortuna’s one year anniversary of leaving shelter in Spain and coming to my home.

I made a beef/carrot/buckwheat cake for her

2. This hike, although weather was crap

3. This dinner: wurts und senf, WUNDERBAR!

4. This homemade juice:

5. Translating this Galina poem from Russian:

Zdes khorosho

Здесь хорошо... 
Взгляни, вдали
Огнём горит река;
Цветным ковром луга легли,
Белеют облака.
Здесь нет людей...
Здесь тишина...
Здесь только Бог да я.
Цветы, да старая сосна,
Да ты, мечта моя!

I don’t know how to pick myself up again. I cling to what a happy person I used to be, but now I hardly recognize myself. I’m always somwhere else, not in the present, contemplating about what I should do, what I could do, what I will do, but truth is that I can barely wake up in the morning and gather enough will and self control to go through classes. I used to go to Uni, do my work and then even help others to do their work… Now it’s a total different story.

Everything seems like an enormous burden. I’m staying in, not meeting my friends, not going out. I’m listening to music, doodling, thinking. Walking through the city with my dogs at 3 am, avoiding people, avoiding conversations. Avoiding myself. Barely keeping up with the deadlines.

I’m not being honest:

-” Hi, haven’t seen you for a while, how are you?”

-” I’m fine, thanks and you?

Truth is that I’m not fine, haven’t been for a while. I need help, do you have time? Will you judge me if I tell you what’s going on? Will you think I’m making this up, that I’m pretentious? That this is an imaginery state of mind? Will you understand? Will you try to understand?

I’m a loner and an introvert by nature but still I had a tendency to hang out with my friends even if I was just listening to them, observing… They made me happy.

It’s been raining and snowing, rain, snow, fog, rain… Since October. I was looking forward to this year, to my first marathon, to changes, to traveling, to new projects. It’s April, almost a third of the year has already passed and I still feel the same as I did in Autumn.

Now I don’t know what I’m doing, I have the whole world at my feet and I’m throwing it away? 

I can’t throw away these feelings, I can’t ignore them, I would like to process everything rationally, but truth is that I don’t understand why I feel this way. I know that for some reason I have to go through this, that I will understand it someday and it will make sense.

I love being alone, but how I feel right now is scaring and scarring me.
I miss my love affair that I had with my own life. I don’t need anything else, just this feeling is enough for me.

À la fin, j‘espère que je vais dire: ”C’était tellement beau, ma vie.”

- lying in my bed and listening to seagulls outside

- getting enough sleep

- going for long walks with my dogs

- running through the empty streets at night or dawn

- eating good food

- visiting my grandparents and the anticipation of great meals that my grandmothers make

- having a good laugh

- breathing in and exhaling my worries out

- shopping at the local farm market

- cooking

- the smell of hands after you pick herbs

- … 

This week, I lost a dear friend of mine. Not physically, though. 

His outburst of words, hurt me deeply, I’d understand if this would be the only time, but it has been too many times, that he’s been like that to me. We were a good team and also participated in a few architectural competitions together.

He still is a great person, just not towards me.

I decided that it’s time to say goodbye. My sails must find enough wind without him.

For the first time ever I’m looking forward to a monday :D Tomorrow I get another Spanish Greyhound. I’ll only provide a foster home, though. He’s from Salamanca and was roaming the streets of the town for about two years. Finally Scooby Medina Shelter saved him. I hope that Fortuna will like him :)

You can read more about him here: 

http://scoobymedina.blogspot.com/2012/12/a-quick-pickup.html

I’m so excited!

I had some ups and downs lately. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know if it was depression but it was just constant lows after lows after lows. I went to see my GP and she found out that I had a severe iron deficiency. And add in the mixture 6 months of winter and that I’m slavic and that we’re melancholic people by nature and there you have how I feel.

Since October I’ve been like a plant. Sitting in my apartment all days watching months go by. The only reason why I even woke up from my bed was to take Fortuna for a walk or go for a run. Even exercising didn’t lift my spirits.

It sort of sickens me that I’m even writing this and feel that way. I have everything. I’m successful at University, my family is healthy and loving, my friends are there for me but I still feel like I’m slowly sinking down. I can’t describe this. I’m not happy. 

I love winter, it’s my favourite season, but this year I’m looking forward for sun, spring and changes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fV27JWfkrC8

I’m sorry for lack of posts, but it was my birthday last week, so I took it easy

and spent some time with my family and friends. 

My grandmother surprised me with this lovely china teapot and cup set. She knows how much I love tea, so this is a really beautiful present.

p.s. And I also got Frankfurters straight from München, thanks to M&R. Olala, someone’s going to binge a lot this week :D