I don’t know how to pick myself up again. I cling to what a happy person I used to be, but now I hardly recognize myself. I’m always somwhere else, not in the present, contemplating about what I should do, what I could do, what I will do, but truth is that I can barely wake up in the morning and gather enough will and self control to go through classes. I used to go to Uni, do my work and then even help others to do their work… Now it’s a total different story.
Everything seems like an enormous burden. I’m staying in, not meeting my friends, not going out. I’m listening to music, doodling, thinking. Walking through the city with my dogs at 3 am, avoiding people, avoiding conversations. Avoiding myself. Barely keeping up with the deadlines.
I’m not being honest:
-” Hi, haven’t seen you for a while, how are you?”
-” I’m fine, thanks and you?
Truth is that I’m not fine, haven’t been for a while. I need help, do you have time? Will you judge me if I tell you what’s going on? Will you think I’m making this up, that I’m pretentious? That this is an imaginery state of mind? Will you understand? Will you try to understand?
I’m a loner and an introvert by nature but still I had a tendency to hang out with my friends even if I was just listening to them, observing… They made me happy.
It’s been raining and snowing, rain, snow, fog, rain… Since October. I was looking forward to this year, to my first marathon, to changes, to traveling, to new projects. It’s April, almost a third of the year has already passed and I still feel the same as I did in Autumn.
Now I don’t know what I’m doing, I have the whole world at my feet and I’m throwing it away?
I can’t throw away these feelings, I can’t ignore them, I would like to process everything rationally, but truth is that I don’t understand why I feel this way. I know that for some reason I have to go through this, that I will understand it someday and it will make sense.
I love being alone, but how I feel right now is scaring and scarring me.
I miss my love affair that I had with my own life. I don’t need anything else, just this feeling is enough for me.